Parenting My Belief

I am a parent.  So, I see through that lens.  One of the byproducts of being a parent for me is the inability to sleep soundly through the night.  I suppose that it's because, although my kids have been sleeping through the night for some time, I lie in my bed somewhere between well-earned slumber and the high alert status of a first responder, one ear open for the sound of crying that begs for soothing, vomiting that requires a bath and/or bucket, coughing that needs an inhaler, the THUMP of a child rolling too far (and out of bed)...well, you get the idea.  Of course, I would love to go back to the fully-contented & uninterrupted sleep of my pre-children days, but I gladly give them up for the four blessings God has bestowed upon me.  (Not my first thought in the wee hours, but it is how I feel during normal waking hours).  There are many nights that my parenting expertise is not needed, but it's often still that I wake to listen, remaining unable to return to sleep.  Dramatic sounding?  Why, yes, it is.  That's how everything seems during those "sleeping" hours when thoughts run wild into the darkness of the night.

It is during one such night when I voyage into contemplation over two words:  Belief & Parenting.  These words mean so much more in their verb states than their noun states.  Though many become parents, there are some that have no idea what parenting is.  They don't know the instinctual sacrifice of self for the greater good of their child or children.  Many call themselves parents, but haven't actually parented much at all--whether in areas of discipline, sacrifice, or love.   And until you have actually parented, being a parent doesn't mean much.

Isn't being a Believer the same?  You can call yourself a Christian.  You can call yourself a Believer, but until you actively start believing in God's promises, warnings, and truth, being a Believer means very little.  I want more than to be a Believer.  I want to Believe...with everything in me, with everything that I am, from the depths of my spirit.  I want to actively seek God's promises, warnings, and truth.

God, I know you tell me, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)  Help me to move.  Make me active.  Make my belief so alive that it rises & moves without hesitation.  Turn my belief into believing.

Inadequate?

Do you ever feel inadequate?  Not quite up to the job?  Falling short over & over & over again?  Yup, me too.  I don't parent as well as I could.  I'm not the wife I know I could be. I'm not as fit as I believe I should be.  I don't support my friends and neighbors as much as I could.  I don't keep my house as clean as I'd like.  And the list goes on...some shortcomings of more significance than others, but all leaving me feeling absolutely & pathetically inadequate. 

What an uncomfortable place to be.  What a depressing place to be!  Some days this feeling of inadequacy hits me harder than other days.  Some days I despise it & some days I am at peace with it.  As a person with extreme tendencies & a love of the 100% mark, it's hard to face the fact that, although I can do some tasks to 100%, I can never be 100% in all areas of my life.  I face weaknesses in my mind, body, & spirit every day.  And I rarely offer myself grace.

I guess when you see perfection in the face of God, it seems ever more elusive.  I will never be perfect.  I am too weak, too broken.  If God understands this reality & provided the means to fill the gap between where I am in my weak, broken state to Him in His glorious perfection, then why do I keep trying to reach perfection in my own power?

That's where the disappointment lies--in my struggle to be perfect.  I never will be.  I will only ever feel disappointed & inadequate, chasing something that will never be.  My soul will grow weary.  But His grace is sufficient for ME.  His act of love covers over a multitude of sins & allows me into His perfect presence through no accomplishments of my own.  His grace is sufficient for ME.  He, in His perfection, offers me grace. Can't I then offer myself grace & then offer grace to those around me who also fall short of perfect?  His grace is sufficient for me.

"But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
~2 Corinthians 12:9

God, Your grace is sufficient.  Give my soul rest.  Let your power rest on me & I in it.

God has completed the path from me to perfect.  I haven't already finished my journey & I will surely mess up along the way, but the path remains--thanks to God's grace!  I can fall down or get knocked down & God's grace is still there.  My path to God is still there whether I walk it perfectly or not.  His grace is sufficient for me.  His grace is sufficient for me.

Lord, Lord...

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name & in your name drive out demons & in your name perform many miracles?'  Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you.  Away from me, you evildoers!'"
Matthew 7:21-23

I am so blessed to have been raised in a family that is rich in Christian heritage.  My great grand-parents, my grandparents, my parents....all devoted, thoughtful, Spirit-seeking Christians.  For me, this has been such a gift.  I came to my own belief in Christ and all that He has done for me at a very young age.  I renew my commitment to pursuing His will regularly when I feel myself drifting into the currents of this world.  And, yet, as long as I have been a believer, the words in the verses above have haunted me.  I used to ask my grandmother about them.  "If these men believed they were following God and, yet, Christ tells them that He never even knew them, how will I know?  How will I know that someday Christ won't say to me, 'Away from me, you evildoer!'  How terrifying.  My grandmother used to tell me that if I was worried about it, then it probably didn't apply to me.  If I was concerned about being turned away by Christ, then I probably wasn't one of the ones He's addressing here.  I think she gave me a simplified answer because I was a child. Now I am an adult.  And now I see how it can apply to any of us.  I don't think that Christians pay enough attention to these words of warning in Matthew 7, or at least not in the circles I travel.

Christ is my savior.  He saves me daily.  He saved me infinitely when He died in my place and then defeated death.  In doing that, He repaired the connection from me to God, a connection I couldn't do without.  I wake up in the wee hours so often.  I know so many others who do also.  Once our minds get a glimpse of conscienciousness, the wheels start spinning and often can't stop.  A few mornings ago, I awoke in the wee hours yet again, Matthew 7:21-23 floating through my mind.  And again, I wondered, how did these men do things in God's name and yet Christ says He doesn't know them?  How do I know that isn't me too?

And it seems that for the first time in almost 36 years, God gave me an answer.  He gave me the answer I need to check myself & my actions.  I'm not gonna' lie; the answer was a little hard to hear.  I felt that the answer was in the very words of this verse--the words Lord, Lord which are repeated twice.  So, I looked up Lord and according to Merriam-Webster on-line the definition is this:

Lord--one having power & authority over others: a ruler by heredity or preeminence to whom service & obedience are due.

Yup, that sounds like the definition as I've come to understand it.  And certainly God & Christ fit that definition.  Now here it is--the men in Matthew 7:21-23 were calling out to Him, "Lord, Lord," and Christ said He never knew them.  So, had they ever been serving Him or obedient to Him?  Had He ever truly been their Lord?  It doesn't appear so.  If they had been serving Him and obedient to Him, He would have recognized them.  Who were they serving when they were doing things in His name?  Were they serving their pride & their reputation?  Were they serving standards set before them by their culture?  Just because they were doing things in His name doesn't mean they were doing things in His will, in obedience to Him.

Now with that idea solidly tucked in my brain, I looked at myself & my worry over those verses and asked myself again, How do I know I am not just like those men?  How do I know that all I do & say, even in His name, actually means anything?  Well, I call Him Lord, but do I really make Him Lord?  Do I approach Him with reverence as my Lord?  Do I truly serve Him & obey Him with my words and deeds?

My children are tired from the time change and some long days at school & music lessons & sports.  They are whiny, and frustration comes quickly for them.  How do I respond?  Do I respond in way that shows Christ as my Lord?  Do I respond in obedience to Him, guiding my children in their ways, ushering them to Him?  Or do I respond in a way that serves me & my purposes?

I could point to countless situations with myself, my money, my home, my children, my husband, my family, my friends, acquaintances, & even strangers where I blindly ignored God's will.  I may have acted in His name, but His was not actually serving Him.  Sometimes I am serving myself, my own needs or desires.  Sometimes, I am serving standards set by the world or others around me.  I have put myself at risk for being one of those men to whom God will say, "Away from me; I never knew you."  Passion for Christ doesn't equal obedience.  It can lead to obedience, but doesn't make it so.  I know my children love me, but that doesn't mean they care to follow my instructions for them all the time.

So, here I am awake in the wee hours again this morning, forcing myself to really look at whom I serve.  Whom do I call Lord?  Is my Lord my God or do I serve myself?  Is my Lord my God or my children or my home or my friends or the world around me?

Lord, Lord, please let me know you so I understand your will and so that I walk in obedience to it.  You are due my service & obedience.  It's not just a a courtesy I should afford you, but a debt I owe to you because of who you are and all that you have done.  Teach me to seek obedience to you in the big things and little things.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine & puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine & does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on the sand."
Matthew 7:24, 26

"The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul.  The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.  The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.  The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.  The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.  The decrees of the Lord are firm, and all of them are righteous."
Psalm 19:7-9

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock & my Redeemer."
Psalm 19:14

"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."
Psalm 16:7

"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Psalm 9:10

Learn It, Live It, Love It

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
Philippians 4:8

Learn it, live it, love it.  :-)

Facebook Fast--Final

I feel pretty confident that God does, in fact, have a sense of humor.  I also feel confident that He knows me (this is how I know He has a sense of humor).  He knows me through and through.  He knows how easily I can miss a simple lesson in the chaos of my life.  He knows me so well that, at times, He leads me down a longer path to reach my destination, just so that I can fully absorb the lesson.  

I will never have absolute understanding of the knowledge & wisdom of God, but I do crave it, respect it, and pray that I never find myself foolishly set up against it.  I know that finding the nothing better life is fully encompassed in His abundance of  knowledge & wisdom.  If I strive for more and more understanding of and fill my mind & soul with the knowledge & wisdom of God, then eventually my thoughts will be born from His knowledge & wisdom instead of my own.  "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice."  (Proverbs 12:15)  I know no better adviser than God.  And some days I know no greater fool than myself.  God, let me listen to you and accept your advice so freely offered.  "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."  (James 1:5)  My goal, although I know impossible this side of Heaven, would be to have my heart full of His words, so that my thoughts would flow freely from them, spilling only His wisdom and none of my foolishness.  Yes, that would be my goal. What is in my heart now?  Well, maybe I need to empty out some stuff first.  A little home reorganization project of sorts?  I wouldn't want my heart cluttered up with nonsense and yuck.  I think God is using this time to clean out my heart so that there is room for His goodness.   Oh, God, if only Your good would overflow from my heart & lips. 

The round-about lesson I'm getting through all this?  When it started out, I thought this lesson was mostly to do with my words.  And, in part, it is.  There really is nothing new under the sun.  Nothing I say will be new.  However, my words do have the ability to heal or hurt.  So, my words are both meaningless and powerful at the same time, a paradox right?  This is just a small lesson within the bigger lesson.  The bigger lesson?  Where do my words come from?  They must come from love.  Love has the power to save.  Love holds the power to change hurt to heal.  

I will never be perfect.  I will not always have the perfect words or the perfect timing.  But God is perfect.  And He will remind me time & again when I am out of His will.  He will bring me back.  He will teach me, show me, guide me, discipline me, and keep me His.  So, there may be occasions where He suggests I leave Facebook or blogging or various other situations....but it will all be for my greater good because He loves me.  It will be for lessons that I need to relearn or learn for the first time.  He does nothing by mistake.  So, I will savor His wisdom.  I will lean not on my own understanding, but look to His.  I will let His love wash over me & fill my heart, so that hopefully that is all that escapes from me, whether in words or actions.  Love.

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.  For out of the overflow of the heart his mouth speaks."

Luke 6:45

Facebook Fast--Part 5

A confession.  Well, a confession of sorts anyway.  A few of the websites that I visit often are linked to my Facebook account.  The other day I accidentally reactivated my Facebook account through one of them.  Now, I hadn't committed to any particular length of time off of Facebook.  I had only committed to following God's lead, one step at a time.  And while I hadn't yet felt led to go back on Facebook, once I realized my account had been inadvertently reactivated, I thought maybe now might be a good time to jump back in.  However, just seconds into staring at all the words & notifications on that screen, and I was full to the brim with anxiety.  I realized that I am not ready to re-enter that world yet.  Yeah, that's right.  Facebook makes me anxious.  One interaction at a time can be complicated enough, but several, possibly hundreds, at once can be overwhelming, especially if any of them have been a source of pain at one time or another.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."  (Romans 12:18)  Now, I am not one to scoff at the wisdom of God, but sometimes when I hear that verse, I think, "Yeah, right!"  I am thankful that there is a disclaimer, of sorts, in there:  as far as it depends on you.  I would love peace with everyone, but I can't count on it.  "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace, but a sword.  For I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'"  (Matthew 10:34-36)

Peace can be hard to find.  What is my part in finding peace with others?  This is perhaps a multifaceted answer, but ultimately lies in one word:  Love.

"One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating.  Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, 'Of all the commandments, which is the most important?'  'The most important one,' answered Jesus, 'is this:  Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this:  Love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no greater commandment than these.'"  Mark 12:28-31

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'  But I tell you:  Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your father in heaven.  He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous & the unrighteous."  Matthew 5:43-45

"A new command I give you:  Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another."  John 13:34

"But I tell you who hear me:  Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you."  Luke 6:27-28

"Love must be sincere..."  Romans 12:9

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."  1 Peter 4:8

Yes, love.  Love is what we can do, for our part, to be at peace with everyone.  Love doesn't guarantee peace with everyone, but acting in love does allow us peace with ourselves.  "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."  1 John 4:7-8

How can I choose to interact with others?  Love.  How can I choose to view others?  Love.  How can I protect myself from negative feelings that threaten to take root?  Love.  How can I choose to forgive others when they hurt me?  Love.  How can I choose to respond to unkind words or actions?  Love.  How can I find myself forgiven for the mistakes & missteps I make?  Love.  God loved me so deeply that He died for me.  He loved us all that deeply.  God, may I be so awed by your love that it fills me to overflowing & flows freely from me to others.


"And this is my prayer:  that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ."
Philippians 1:9

Little Hands, Big Impact